Heard on the Street

Here’s something you MUST READ NOW!!!

Yes, you may recognize this approach to messaging, because it shows up eight hundred times a day in texts and emails to inform you URGENTLY that everything is about to fall into ruin unless you ACT NOW!!!

But I am telling you, DEAR READER, that this is no false alarm! This is an IMPORTANT TIME TO ACT!!!

YES!!

This is a BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY that MUST NOT BE IGNORED!

Do you remember Bob Edwards’s Friday morning call to Red Barber in Tallahassee Florida? OK, so you are younger than 70.

Do you remember the COOKIE MONSTER’s commendable approach to life (“ME WANT COOKIE!”). Or have you heaved a late-night sneer at Stephen Colbert’s dripping satire on the LATE NIGHT SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT?!

THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE ON SUBSTACK!!!

AND MAKE SOME COOKIES, TOO!!!

I AM NOT A FLY-BY-NIGHT SWINDLER! NOT A CON-MAN!!

I AM A SHREWD BUSINESS PERSON!!

To demonstrate my honesty and my business acumen I admit straight out that I am just now deliberating whether to tell you about OPPORTUNITIES or THREATS first. This definitely is not the time for STRENGTHS or WEAKNESSES — that part of our SWOT analysis should come later. Perhaps much later…

But simply by mentioning these four essential steps in business, readers will know that I KNOW MY BUSINESS STUFF!

Here’s the OPPORTUNITY!

Stephen Colbert has been a really popular satirist on late night TV. He took over when David Letterman needed more time to grow his beard. There was amazing anticipation about who would get to sit at that famous desk in the Ed Sullivan Theater and make fun of IMPORTANT PEOPLE. Ultimately, the big shots in the board rooms of big broadcast operations decided it would be Colbert, a name most people had never heard unless they frequently surfed the internet while eating vegan potato chips. Colbert has been making jokes about presidents ever since. People have roared with laughter and self-satisfaction.

NOT ANY MORE!!

Now Stephen Colbert is TOAST! Fired for business reasons! Some people think there is more to the story than “business reasons” which MOROSELY suggests that ad revenue wasn’t keeping up. Others think it’s because he made fun of the stupid REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE in the big board rooms.

(Personally, I think it’s because he didn’t keep Jon Batiste on the show.)

With Colbert KNOCKED OUT, OPPORTUNITY IS KNOCKING!

BUT WAIT!! THERE’S MORE!!!

TO WIT:

The REALLY ANGRY AND POWERFUL PEOPLE in Congress have at last realized their dream of yanking precious tax dollars from REPUBLICAN-HATING, BABY EATING, LIBERAL PUBLIC BROADCASTING losers. The important reason that POWERFUL AND IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN Congress give for this major decision — PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! — is that government should NOT support the Cookie Monster! He can go buy his own cookies, and they can give a BIG TAX BREAK TO ENORMOUSLY WEALTHY people!!!

What this means is that two media ASSETS (how about that? Another impressive business term!!) are available for the taking. All’s we need is a pile of cash to acquire them and another pile of cash to sustain them. And now for the important part:

I HAVE ALREADY SEEDED THIS IMPORTANT PILE OF CASH WITH ONE DOLLAR OF MY OWN MONEY!!

I HAVE SKIN IN THE GAME!

If you hurry YOU TOO CAN GET IN ON THIS OPPORTUNITY!! We will PROVIDE that beautiful CANCELLED CONTENT on my Substack BECAUSE I LOVE AMERICA!

AND — I promise to share my dollar with each and every one of you who DONATES NOW!

But TIME IS RUNNING OUT! If my private equity fund (called RONEY DOE$ MONEY) doesn’t get enough cash by Aug. 1, I am prepared to relinquish this OPPORTUNITY to others with BETTER HEELS. (Is that right? Better Heels? Or, Is is Well-Heeled? Whatever).

BUT WAIT! Like EVERY SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS PERSON, I have a fall back position!

Because here is one other potential BIG OPPORTUNITY!!

We can use our INFLUENCE to encourage GLOBAL ENTERPRISE! We can URGENTLY URGE Stephen Colbert and Public Broadcasting to talk with our former friends in western Europe! Of course the BBC will be very excited to air Colbert and Sesame Street, maybe even on the SAME SHOW!

Send your money NOW to RONEY DOE$ MONEY!!

Let’s MAKE STUPID STUPID AGAIN!!!

(MSSA merch on sale soon, including CRYPTO!!!)!